“I don’t Trust My Partner Anymore”

When you first found out that your partner had been unfaithful, your sense of stability and security in your relationship had likely completely shattered, along with the trust you held for your partner. The trust that had taken months and years to build. The trust that your partner would have your back, keep your best interests at heart, and continue to move through life with you and only you.  

Why Is Trust So Important? 

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, creators of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, view trust as one of the two weight bearing walls in a relationship; with the other weight bearing wall being commitment. When trust and commitment are strong, the foundation of that relationship is strong. When trust is weak or trust has been broken, the foundation of that relationship is at risk of collapsing. When your once stable foundation has been shook to its very core, it’s only natural for you to feel the ripple effects at every level of your relationship. You might find that conflict between you and your partner has escalated, while friendship and intimacy have plummeted. Your partner might suddenly feel like a complete stranger to you as you’re left to question the person you thought they were and the relationship you thought you had.

What Does Broken Trust Look Like?

Perhaps you find it difficult to connect with your partner following the incident of betrayal; you might notice yourself blocking your partner out, numbing your emotions, or feeling overwhelmed and fearful at the thought of getting too close to them again.

Perhaps you find yourself wanting to understand what happened, what led up to the betrayal or what took place during the betrayal; You might ask your partner a question only for your partner to respond with frustration and anger, leaving you feeling alone, frustrated, and confused.

Perhaps you find yourself thinking about your partner’s betrayal at random and inconvenient times; you might notice yourself replaying details from the incident over and over again in your mind, interfering with your ability to be present and effective at work or in your personal life.

Perhaps you find yourself with a knot in your stomach at the mention of your partner making plans to meet up with some old friends, coming home later than they said they would, or leaving town for a business trip.

Perhaps you feel hyper-vigilant or as if you are on constant lookout for signs of future betrayal. You might feel the need to frequently check your partner’s location, go through their text messages, or be on the lookout for inconsistencies in their story.

If you see yourself in any of the above scenarios, this might be an indicator that you are struggling to recover from broken trust in your relationship. The impacts of broken trust can feel consuming and like there is no end in sight. Perhaps you have tried to repair trust with your partner but are still feeling like something is missing or like things just aren’t quite the same as they used to be. It is important for you to understand that if you are continuing to struggle with moving forward in your relationship and recover from broken trust, this is not your fault and in fact is a completely normal response.

Broken Trust and Post-traumatic Stress

Feeling consumed by broken trust is a normal response to having gone through something traumatic. We often think of trauma as the result of having gone through a severely traumatic event, like a car accident. When in fact, trauma can occur following any situation or event that has left us feeling overwhelmed and isolated. When we have been hurt by a betrayal, like a partner’s act of infidelity, we can experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress. You might notice intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, mood swings, irritability, emotional numbness, trouble sleeping, shame, fear, hyper-vigilance, or hopelessness, amongst other symptoms.

It is important for you to know that these symptoms are not your fault. They are the unfortunate effects of having gone through something that our body has deemed as traumatic. When we’ve gone through a traumatic event, our body sets up mechanisms in effort to shield us from the hurt and prevent us from being hurt again in the future. Despite our body’s best efforts, these mechanisms of protection can deplete a great deal of our energy and have long-term effects that are less than beneficial to our growth and healing.

If you believe you are experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress, dealing with broken trust in your relationship, or otherwise struggling to move forward from your partner’s betrayal, you deserve the time and space that your body needs to process, heal, and overcome.

How Do I Rebuild Trust In My Relationship?

While there is a lot of healing you can do on your own, if you and your partner decide to move past the betrayal and work towards rebuilding trust in your relationship, there may be some steps in your healing journey that you and your partner will need to undergo together. Going through the healing process with your partner can provide an opportunity for you to process the hurt you’ve been through while allowing your partner an opportunity to witness your hurt. These seemingly small moments of connection can provide valuable opportunities to begin rebuilding trust.

The process of healing from a betrayal and rebuilding trust in a relationship can be incredibly challenging to go through, especially if you are going through it alone. A relationship therapist or mental health professional can help guide you and your partner through this difficult process by helping facilitate effective communication, manage conflict more productively, and assist in the rebuilding of trust using methods that have been shown through research to be effective.